Even the Strong Can be Weak
by ilovecastiel18
Summary: After Remus attacks Harry in Grimmauld Place, he realizes what he's done, and comes back right away to make sure Harry is okay. He heals Harry and tries to leave, but Harry tries to stop him and talk to him, and finds out Remus's biggest secret. One-Shot, set in Deathly Hallows. Rated M


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any characters used in this story, all recognizable names, locations, and characters are property of the wonderful JK Rowling, who was lovely enough to bless us with the Harry Potter books to become obsessed with as I have.

 **Summary:** After Remus attacks Harry in Grimmauld Place, he realizes what he's done, and comes back right away to make sure Harry is okay. He heals Harry and tries to leave, but Harry tries to stop him and talk to him, causing Remus to take a few minutes to himself in Sirius's room. Harry goes up there to try to talk to Remus again and finds things out about him that nobody had found out about before. This is similar to my story "I Don't Know What I'd Do Without You" but with some stuff added in. One-Shot, set in Deathly Hallows. Slightly OOC Remus. AU because Harry reveals he's abused. Rated M for mature content that should not be read by anyone who is not a teenager or up, though it is nothing sexual.

…

Even the Strong Can be Weak

…

"' _I'd never have believed this,' Harry said. 'The man who taught me to fight dementors – a coward.'_

" _Lupin drew his wand so fast that Harry had barely reached for his own; there was a loud bang and he felt himself flying backward as if punched; as he slammed into the kitchen wall and slid to the floor, he glimpsed the tail of Lupin's cloak disappearing around the door"_

Harry closed his eyes in a grimace and reached up to feel the back of his head. There was a knot the size of a golf ball forming there, and his hair was sticky with blood. It seemed that Lupin was very powerful when he was angry.

Harry was already starting to hate himself for what he had said to Lupin. He didn't think him a coward, but he knew that saying those things to Lupin was the only way to get him to go back to Tonks and the baby.

Harry gingerly made his way to his feet, using the kitchen table to steady himself. He had hit the wall quite hard, and he was pretty dizzy. He looked up at the kitchen door, expecting to see Ron and Hermione standing there, mad at him for what he said. The sight that met his eyes, however, couldn't be farther from what he expected.

Lupin was standing in the kitchen doorway, ghostly pale, with a horrified look on his face. Through his grimace, Harry looked over to Ron and Hermione, who were a little way away from Lupin, and gave them a look asking them to give Lupin and him some space. Hermione immediately grabbed Ron by the shirt sleeve and led him out of the kitchen. Harry could hear her marching up the stairs, and soon after heard her and Ron's bedroom door close.

Harry then turned to Lupin. "Remus? I thought you had left?" He asked, his hand still to the back of his head.

Lupin didn't say anything, he just stared at Harry with a horrified expression on his face.

"I'm all right, honest." Harry pulled his hand away from his head and made toward Lupin, but he stumbled and had to catch himself on one of the kitchen chairs.

Lupin rushed forward to help, but stopped a few feet short, uncertain as to whether Harry would want to be near him. He felt sick to his stomach with what he had done to Harry.

"It's all right Remus, you can come here." Harry reassured him.

"A-are you-" Lupin started uncertainly.

"Yes, I'm sure Remus, come here." Harry interrupted.

Lupin cautiously made his way over to Harry. He grabbed his arm to hold him steady and moved to Harry's side, looked at the spot where his head had hit the wall. He reached up and touched the bump, making Harry wince. Lupin jumped back as if electrocuted.

"I'm sorry Harry, if you don't want to be near me I-" Lupin started frantically.

"You're fine Remus, it just hurts a lot. It's nothing like that, I promise." Harry cut him off.

Lupin slowly made his way back over to Harry, more cautiously than before, as if afraid Harry would run away from him. He made his way behind Harry and looked at the bump closely.

"Oh Merlin, I can't believe I did this…" Lupin muttered under his breath. If his mouth hadn't been near Harry's ear at the time, he wouldn't have heard him.

"Remus, really, I'm fine." Harry reassured him.

Lupin just shook his head in disbelief and pulled out his wand, making Harry flinch a bit. Lupin's shoulders slumped and he sighed the saddest sigh Harry had ever heard. He waved his wand and fixed Harry's head, making him feel instantly better. He then cleaned the blood out of Harry's hair with another wave of his wand. After this, he slipped his wand back up his sleeve and back away from Harry.

"Harry I…I can't tell you how sorry I am…" Lupin's voice cracked. Harry tried to interrupt, but Lupin put his hand up to stop him. "If you never want to see me again I completely understand. Just know I'm sorry, Harry." He finished his statement and turned to leave the kitchen.

"Remus, wait!" Harry called after him. Lupin didn't slow. Harry dashed forward and grabbed Lupin's hand to stop him just before he reached the door. "Hold on, you didn't give me a chance to reply. I'm not mad at you. Can we talk?" Harry pleaded.

Lupin didn't turn.

"Please?" Harry begged.

"I won't leave the house, but I need a couple minutes alone, if that would be all right. Would it be okay if a spent a few minutes alone in Sirius's room, then you could come up and we could talk? Though I have no idea why you would want to…" Lupin replied. He still did not turn to look at Harry.

"That would be fine. I'll be up in a few minutes, okay?" Harry responded.

Lupin nodded and pulled his hand free of Harry's. He slowly walked out of the kitchen. Harry heard him walk up the stairs, and a few minutes later heard the door to Sirius's, now his, room open. He didn't hear it close though, so he figured Lupin must have left it cracked.

Harry then had a realization: he didn't want to leave Lupin alone. He didn't want Lupin sitting up there wallowing in self-hatred and pity when he wasn't at all mad at him. With that thought in mind, Harry made his way up the stairs to his bedroom door, which, as he thought, was cracked open a bit. He sighed and softly knocked on the door once.

"Remus?" without waiting for a reply, Harry opened the door the rest of the way and made his way into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. When he turned to look at Lupin, he was met by a sight that he would never be able to get out of his mind.

Lupin was sitting on the edge of the bed, silent tears streaming down his face. But that's not what shocked Harry. In his right hand, Remus held a small pocket knife, and he was holding it against his left wrist.

"Remus?!" Harry exclaimed.

He rushed forward toward the bed, pulling his wand out of his back pocket at the same time. He flicked it behind his, putting a silencing charm on the door so Ron and Hermione wouldn't hear anything, and shoved it back in his pocket.

When he reached Lupin, he realized there were no cuts on his wrist or arm, but the blade was pressing hard into Lupin's wrist, so if it slipped sideways, he could end up with a very deep and serious cut. Harry carefully reached forward and placed his left hand over Lupin's right, and over the blade. He placed his right hand on Lupin's left shoulder.

"Remus, let go of the knife. Please, I'm begging you." Harry pleaded. Lupin continued to sob silently, but he did not let go of the knife. "Remus, please?" Harry continued to plead. Slowly, Lupin loosened his grip on the blade, enough for Harry to pull it out of his hand. Harry flipped it shut and shoved it into his pocket, never taking his eyes of Lupin's wrists and forearms.

There were crisscrossed scars covering both wrists and forearms, ranging from thin, milky white scars to thick purple ones. There didn't seem to be any from the last few months, but Harry was still shocked.

Lupin was still silently sobbing, he seemed oblivious to the fact that Harry just found out his biggest secret, bigger than his lycanthropy.

"Remus…" Harry reached his now free left hand up to the back of Lupin's head and pulled him into his shoulder. He was now standing in front of the still sobbing Lupin, with one arm around his back and the other holding his head to Harry's left shoulder.

He stood there for at least ten minutes before Lupin calmed down enough to stop sobbing. Harry then pulled his hand away from the back of Lupin's head and placed it and his other hand on Lupin's shoulders, gently pushing him into an upright position.

"Remus…" Harry muttered. He released Lupin's shoulders and sat down next to him. Lupin was staring down at the floor. "Hey…" Harry whispered, even though he knew Ron and Hermione couldn't hear him. He placed his right hand on Lupin's left knee and continued to whisper. "Are you all right, Remus?" Lupin didn't answer. He still had both arms resting on his legs, forearms up, as if he still didn't realize he no longer had his pocket knife.

"Hey…" Harry whispered again, gently shaking Lupin's knee. Lupin finally looked up at Harry, just realizing what had happened. His eyes snapped down to his arms, and he yanked his sleeves down instantly, but he knew he was too late. He remembered what had happened, that Harry had caught him and stopped him, and that he had sobbed into Harry's shoulder. He looked back down to the floor in shame.

"I'm a wreck, Harry. You might as well just kick me out. I doubt you'll ever want to see me again after everything that happened today." Lupin's voice cracked as he said the last sentence.

Harry shook his head and stood up. "You're wrong, Remus." He turned to face Lupin, gently taking his left arm in his hands. He slowly pushed up Lupin's sleeve to reveal the hundreds of scars crisscrossed across his forearm and wrist. Harry sighed. "How long?" He asked. It was a simple question, but it held a lot of meaning to both Harry and Lupin. To Harry, it meant finding out how long he had been failing his friend and mentor. He should have found out sooner and helped Lupin, he cared about him and didn't like seeing him this way. For Lupin, it meant revealing his biggest secret to Harry, something he hadn't told anyone, not even Sirius.

"Harry…" Lupin started.

"How long, Remus?" Harry asked again. He was still holding Lupin's left arm in his hands.

Lupin sighed. "It started when your parents died and Sirius was sent to Azkaban. I stopped for a while when I was teaching at Hogwarts and Sirius was free. It started again after Sirius died. I just stopped again when Dora and I married." Lupin replied with an air of defeat.

Harry sighed. It was worse than he thought. "Who knows?"

"You." Lupin replied simply.

"Nobody else?" Harry asked with shock.

"Nobody." Lupin responded quietly.

Harry stood in silence for a moment before dropping Lupin's arm and sitting back down next to him. His next word was so quiet Lupin, with his heightened, wolfish senses, still had to strain his ears to hear him.

"Why?"

Lupin shook his head. "At first, it was to feel better. I had heard about muggles doing it when they were under emotional strain, depressed, stressed, etc. I was all of those things. I knew it was a bad idea, but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to try anything to help ease the pain of losing all four of my best friends in one night. After that, it was a habit, an addiction. After a while, I felt nothing when I did it, which made me want to do it more. Feeling the blood drip down my arm and wrist took away all of my pain for a while, I could be at peace for a split second. Why do you ask?" Lupin replied quietly. If seemed as if a huge weight had been lifted off his chest, finally telling somebody about his problem. He felt terrible for adding the stress of this to Harry, with his mission from Dumbledore still hanging over his head, but it still felt good.

"Why do I ask? I just found out that someone I love and care about deeply is cutting himself. I want to know why so I can try to help you." Harry responded.

"Why would you love and care about me? I'm worthless, I attacked you." Lupin muttered.

"You also healed me, and after what I said to you, I deserved more. And you are far from worthless, Remus." Harry whispered back. He knew he couldn't be overheard, but this seemed like something that needed to be whispered about.

Lupin scoffed. "Yes, I healed you Harry, but that doesn't change what I did. You didn't deserve to be attacked like that, you spoke the truth."

Harry sighed and stood up. He grabbed Lupin's hand and pulled him to his feet as well, putting the two face to face. "I want you to listen to me, Remus, because what I am about to say is the truth, and I want to make sure you understand. All right?" Harry said. Lupin nodded.

"Remus, don't ever tell me you're worthless, because you're not. I only said the things I said because I wanted you to go back to Tonks and your baby. I knew the only chance I had to get you to go back to your family was if I said those things to you. That being said, here's the truth of what I think about you. You are an amazing person - let me finish!" Lupin had tried to interject, "You are an amazing person, truly, Remus. You are one of the most intelligent people I know, as well as the kindest. You are such a sweet person Remus, it's unbelievable, especially after everything you've been through. You're a very powerful and talented wizard as well. You are the best person I know Remus, and I mean that." Harry finished.

"I can't even begin to tell you how wrong you are Harry…" Lupin began to argue.

"Stop Remus. You are an amazing person. Stop beating yourself down. The only thing about you that could be considered bad is the fact that you're a werewolf, and that doesn't bother the people that care about you and love you. Stop beating yourself up, there is a lot to love about you. And don't think I'm mad about earlier, because I'm not. After what I said, I deserved it. And you came back as soon as it happened and healed me. I don't know a single other person who would do that. You're amazing Remus." Harry interrupted.

"But how can you love me?" Lupin whispered.

"How could I not love you, Remus?" Harry asked.

"I'm a werewolf for one thing, which means I'm dangerous. Another thing, I attacked you. I should have never attacked you like that, no matter what you said to me. I can never forgive myself for that." Remus replied.

"Remus, I'm not mad at you. You didn't even need forgiven. If you can't forgive yourself, I can't stop you, however I just want you to know that I forgive you. I love you and I could never hate you for something like that." Harry reassured him.

"Okay, but what about…this? You now know that I cut myself, for Merlin's sake. How could you ever love me after learning that?" Lupin pushed on.

"How could you ever love me knowing that I was abused as a child, both physically, emotionally, and…sexually?" Harry replied quietly. "I love you because I know you, nothing could change that, including this. You've been through a lot, and while I personally don't understand why you would inflict harm upon yourself, I wouldn't stop loving you because you do. Maybe it has something to do with what happened to me. I had so much harm and pain inflicted upon me I would never consider doing it to myself. But that doesn't make me think any less of you, Remus."

"Y-you were abused?" Lupin stuttered.

"Yes, I was, Remus. I was afraid for my life every time I went home for the summer holiday. I was abused and I have never been the same since then. My uncle would whip me with his belt before raping me in the hallway. Afterward, he made me clean the hallway, then threw me into the cupboard under the stairs for days at a time without food or water. Can you still love me after finding this out?" Harry had to push to get all of this out, but he felt he could trust Lupin with this. He felt that he owed Lupin something, since he just found out about his biggest secret that not even his wife knew about. He needed to tell Lupin this in order to help him.

"Of course, Harry! Nothing about your past or what happened to you could change how I see you or how I feel about you. Why didn't you tell anybody about what was happening?" Lupin asked.

"Then why would I feel any differently about what you've been through?" Harry muttered. "I didn't tell anybody because I didn't want you guys to worry. I didn't want to run the risk of you guys paying a visit to my uncle to make him pay for what he had done, and I didn't want you thrown into Azkaban. Plus, up until quite recently, I believed I deserved everything Uncle Vernon did to me." He whispered this so quietly Lupin had to strain to hear him.

"Because mine was self-inflicted, yours wasn't up to you. It wasn't your fault that your Uncle abused you, but it is my fault that I cut myself. You shouldn't have been scared to tell me, Harry. I would have helped, I care about you. Despite my issues, you still seem to care about me, for some unknown reason, and I care about you just as much. And why on earth would you think you deserved any of those things?" Lupin whispered.

"That doesn't matter. I will love you no matter what you've been through or what you have done to yourself. You matter to me Remus. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like now if I had not met you. I love you and that will never change. Learning that you were a werewolf didn't change how I felt about you, why would finding out you cut yourself?" Harry responded. "I know you wouldn't have been as bad as, say, Sirius if you had found out while it was still going on, however I was still worried that you would end up hurting my uncle and ending up in Azkaban, and I couldn't handle losing you, especially after Sirius died. And nobody cared about me before I went to Hogwarts. Abuse was the only life I knew. Afterward, Snape constantly told me how terrible I was, which supported what my uncle always said. I have fully forgiven Snape for what he said now, however it just helped to reinforce what Vernon said, so I never thought any differently until my seventeenth birthday, when everyone told me how much they loved me and everything. I realized I never deserved anything my uncle inflicted on me."

Lupin didn't even reply, he just grabbed Harry and pulled him into a tight hug. Harry wrapped his arms around Lupin's waist and back and held on. He wanted to make sure Lupin knew he was loved and cared for, and that he didn't want to see him doing any more harm to himself.

"Harry, you deserved nothing that man did to you. I'm so sorry this happened. While I wish you would have told me while it as still happening, thank you for telling me now. I know you did it to help me, and for that I will be forever grateful." Lupin whispered in Harry's ear.

"I love you, Remus, I hope you know that." Harry whispered into Lupin's ear. Lupin smiled, his first true smile in weeks.

"I love you too, Harry."

…

Harry was sitting in the front row of Lupin and Tonks's funeral, remembering this day. Lupin had used the mirror a few times, and Harry had stopped him from relapsing. Harry briefly saw Lupin at Hogwarts on the day he died. He remembered running up to Lupin and hugging him tightly, telling him to be careful and that he loved him. He never saw Lupin alive again.

Harry missed Lupin dearly, but he knew he would be very happy now that he was back with Sirius and Harry's parents, and he was happy for him. Though Harry dearly wished he could see Lupin one more time, hear his hoarse voice again or feel his strong arms holding him one more time, he knew it was impossible.

The old wizard talking up on the stage was talking about accomplishments and achievements, talking about how Tonks was an Auror and Lupin had been a professor, that both had been loyal to the Order and taking down Voldemort to their dying breath, but Harry wasn't listening. He was thinking of the fun times he had had with Tonks and Lupin, and of the serious ones, where Lupin asked Harry to be Teddy's godfather and when Harry talked Lupin out of relapsing. Accomplishments weren't who Lupin and Tonks were, and Harry didn't want to hear about them when he could be remembering the good times.

Harry looked down at the baby in his arms. He was sucking is thumb and smiling up at Harry, a small tuft of blue hair growing out of his scalp. Harry knew that there was no way he would be able to speak to Lupin again, so he would settle for being the very best godfather to Teddy that he could be. He wanted to make sure that Teddy knew who his parents were, how amazing and loving they were. That was the only way he could hold onto Lupin, to make sure he would never forget how amazing he was. That was the least he could do for his Moony.


End file.
